You get into a heated argument, make a mistake at work, accidentally bump into someone. We apologize frequently, sometimes without even thinking about it. But what makes an apology actually meaningful?
Sure, we know the common phrase. A quick “I’m sorry” might seem sufficient, but to the person who’s hurting, it might seem dismissive. Instead, try out our apology formula.
Step 1: Name what went down.
This demonstrates that you are aware of your actions, and introduces what you are apologizing for.
Example) “I raised my voice during our conversation.”
Step 2: Take responsibility.
Recognize that you performed that action willingly.
Example) “I chose to do that.”
Step 3: Acknowledge the impact of what happened.
Even if it doesn’t seem like too big of a deal, remember everyone interprets situations differently. Try to see from the other’s perspective.
Example) “I imagine that felt hurtful and disrespectful.”
Step 4: Avoid excuses.
his is a tough one. It is natural to want to defend yourself, and explain away choices that we regret. However, excusing your actions implies that they were okay. If it helps understanding, you can add context, while still maintaining accountability.
Example) “I had a really stressful day at work, but it wasn’t right to take that out on you.”
Step 5: Explain what you’ll do differently.
This shows that you’re trying to improve, and putting in the effort to alter the situation in the future.
Example) “In the future, I will take a step back before responding.”
Step 6: Invite further conversation, don’t demand solutions.
It can be useful to learn more about why your actions hurt the person, or what they feel would bring a resolution. But, avoid placing the responsibility on them to tell you how to fix the problem.
Example) “Is there anything you’d like me to understand about how this affected you?”
Step 7: Follow through.
Actions speak louder than words, so an apology with no change in behaviour won’t mean much. Actively work to employ what you said you would do differently. Change doesn’t happen overnight, but incremental work still shows effort.
For more tips on resolution management, reach out for a free consultation here.
Written with the help of Lindsay Mackereth, Clinical Counselling Intern at Allegro.
