10 signs your relationship has become toxic

10 signs your relationship has become toxic

Relationships can be difficult, even toxic at times. In today’s society it is rare to see a couple who has spent more than 5 years together, let alone a lifetime. With the influx of social media advancements and ease of communication we have seen cheating on the rise since the mid 1990’s. Relationship do’s and don’ts often become muzzled behind closed doors and many couples prefer to keep this life ‘private’. If, in the beginning you chose a spouse to fill a void within your own personal development, chances are that will begin to manifest itself in unfavorable ways, as you continue to grow and evolve. For example, one of the most common issues that arise while I am working with couples is the topic of money. This seems to have the ability to make or break a relationship, depending on who has more, who’s in charge and who supports who. Job loss can also put a significant strain on a relationship and tear couples apart. It is important to have strong communication regarding this topic and to review this subject on a regular basis. Often, problems arise when couples stick to a one-sided approach where this is the sole responsibility of one person. Aside from a financial perspective, expectations around free time commonly become an issue. If your spouse is under the expectation that you spend every free moment of your time with him or her, this is a serious ‘red flag’ in your relationship. It is important to view your relationship as a complimentary means to your life, rather than dependency.

Signs that your relationship has shifted towards dependency away from complimentary:

1. You have lost your own sense of identity – this shift occurs when you no longer have any of your own goals, hobbies or free time. Your life is revolving around someone else to meet their needs.
2. Your belief is that you are in a relationship to ‘help’ or ‘fix’ your partner with his or her problems – don’t get involved in a relationship where someone is broken, they need to help themselves. That is not your job.
3. Your partner is highly suspicious and jealous of your whereabouts without just cause. If you have never been unfaithful to your spouse, yet they are always concerned with where you are and what you are doing, this exemplifies insecurity and dependent, unfavorable behaviour.
4. You make accusations towards your partner, rather than ask questions to determine a solution. Jumping right to an assumption can often highlight your own behavioural tenancies. ie. I know what you were thinking there, you wanted me to… You should always fight fairly with your spouse and never assume.
5. You violate privacy boundaries. Are you doing this because you’re so attached and afraid to lose your spouse, or do you have a REAL reason to re-read the discussion between your spouse and their mother? Un-justified violations of privacy can immediately push your spouse away.
6. Becoming verbally abusive. No matter what your spouse has done, there is never a reason to belittle him or her. Once you have started to become verbally abusive with your spouse, it begs the question of how you internalize your own self-esteem and sense of self worth.
7. You threaten to ‘kill yourself’ if your spouse dares to leave you. This form of behaviour is absolutely not going to accomplish the results that you were hoping for. It demonstrates a high amount of insecurity and lack of self worth.
8. Your sense of progress and goals are not matching those of your partners. Do they support you going back to school or changing jobs? You can’t go back to school, I need you to do…
9. You hide things from your spouse because you’d rather not discuss it. This will work for you short term, but you are actually making things harder, long term. Regardless of reason, your spouse will eventually become suspicious and start finding out things that you have been ‘withholding’. It is always best to be upfront and honest. Again, with holding demonstrates dependency in an inverted way.
10. You isolate your partner from people he or she enjoys. Regardless of what you think about your partners family and friends, you may comment on them, but you may not chose how their time is spent. If you resort to ultimatums such as “I dislike so and so, if you chose to see them over me, we are done” this signifies extremely unhealthy behaviour. Regardless if you like all of your spouses choices, you must be supportive of their capability to make good decisions. You are not in charge of their life and vice versa. Play fair.

Open communication around finances, career, lifestyle choices and situational aspects of the relationship will often generate the best foundation between you both. Ensure that conversations are occurring every few months to check-in on hard topics such as where you both are heading and what factors you might be facing next. Strong communication and teamwork will ultimately generate a happy and healthy union.