Pseudo-mutuality and Locus of Control
If an adult has not been taught optimal communication from their family of origin, the concept of pseudo-mutuality is common. Pseudo-mutuality can be defined as a pattern of ignoring topics of conversation and burying them, rather than addressing them. It also indicates the desire to maintain an external image, rather than deal with any sort of lingering or on-going issues. This is often seen in a narcissistic family structure. When a problem arises, it is nearly impossible to confront a narcissist with any form of success. Confrontation simply means addressing an issue and does not necessarily mean a personal attack. For example, if you feel like your spouse has displayed a repetitive pattern overspending when you have pooled your money together, it should be a straightforward conversation regarding a planned budget. When you try to address any such topic with a narcissist, you are met with gaslighting, deflection projection, or victim mode. All means of addressing topics with a narcissist are met with such a web of distraction that it is nearly impossible to ever achieve change. Over time the other party learns that confrontation comes with such a price to pay, that avoidance becomes the default measure.
Why is this?
A narcissist lacked positive praise as a child. They suffered from repetitive teasing, bullying, put downs, or an authoritarian parenting style where they may have been afraid of their own parent(s). Without a consistent and encouraging support network as a young child, the child fails to develop an internal locus of control. With an external locus of control as seen in the chart below, the narcissistic adult defaults to the opinions of others for validation. This becomes a never-ending cycle of putting on a façade to impress their external environment. They do this because that is all they understand in terms of self-esteem or self-validation. Due to such a high level of criticism, shame, or bullying as a child or adolescent, they were made to feel that they are eternally “bad, wrong, or not a good person” which creates a void in their concept of self. Once this becomes internalized, they begin to rely on the appraisal of others to make them feel better about themselves, because this was never given to them.
If a child is raised in a home where there is an authoritative parenting style, positive praise, reasonable rules and explanations of ‘why things are done a certain way’, the child will eventually develop an internal locus of control. They feel comfortable enough to be their authentic self, they are able to control their own levels of self-esteem and they do not default to blaming others for their mistakes.
Healthy communication:
Person 1: The other day, you talked to this person about me and they told me what you said. Going forward, I would appreciate it if you didn’t’ talk to them about me at all.
Person 2: Ok, thanks for letting me know, I won’t mention you to them going forward and I’m really sorry about that!
End result: Person 2 feels conscientious about their behaviour and does not do that again.
Pseudo-mutuality:
Person 1: The other day, you talked to this person about me and they told me what you said. Going forward, I would appreciate it if you didn’t’ talk to them about me at all.
Person 2: First of all, you talk about me to other people all the time (defensive, deflecting). Do you seriously believe that I would even say anything about you to another person like that (gaslighting)? You always make me feel like I am an awful person (victim) why do we even have to talk about this right now, are you having a bad day (gaslighting, deflecting)?
End result: Further passive aggressive behaviour, person 2 continues to talk about person 1 in a way they do not want.
Reaching an internal locus of control is very important for every individual. As this is achieved you realize that you are the only one who has the power to determine your level of self-confidence and self-esteem because you are the only one with the awareness of the sum of your total actions. In knowing this, you do not give anyone else the power to determine if you are all good, all bad, all nice, all mean and so on. All individuals operating with an external locus of control will have difficulty communicating over time and display pseudo-mutuality, because they are unable to view themselves independent from the views of others. During any form of confrontation, they are going to feel immediately de-valued as a person because they operate from the approach that others are responsible for how they see themselves in the world.
The Self = A sum of total actions
Many facets make up our personality which is a representation of our behaviour over a lifetime. The entirety of our personality (large outter circle) is comprised by a sum of our total actions. The medium circles represent our behaviour that occurs frequently, and the smaller bubbles represent our behaviour that occurs less frequently. The only person who holds a true representation to of these individual behaviours and experiences is the self. Therefore, criticism or confrontation in a healthy way (internal locus of control) would only be viewed as one opinion of that one facet of yourself, without feeling entirely de-valued in that moment (external locus of control).
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